Excuse, your holiness, but we really need to cook these white people some Tibetan food.

Yeah, going to Hawaii sounds horrible

…You know, or I can try to save money or whatever. 

Seems kind of harsh, but fair is fair

Sorry girls-with-small-engagement-rings. Turns out your fiances don’t actually love you

You have to stretch before you exercise

“Yes, hello? Health department? I’d like to report a gross violation of health codes at my local Starbucks. An employee there was wearing hair rollers and concealer on her…and you hung up.”