Mark Zuckerberg Calmly and Rationally Responds to his Critics

There’s been a lot of criticism over the years of Facebook and me, Mark Zuckerberg, and I just wanted to let you know that I really do listen to the really insightful, interesting and constructive things you little fuckers have to say. For example, I know you think the million “people you may know” features I’ve added to the site are annoying. But you know what’s really annoying? A billion “people you may know” features.The day after I update the site, you all take to the internet, ironically most often on the very website that had so wronged you, to proclaim your hatred for it. Is it because each and every site update is the worst thing ever done to humanity? Are the updates starting famine in third world countries? No, it’s because everyone who uses Facebook is a reactionary, inbred, illiterate piece of shit.

I created the greatest social movement of all time, capable of making the world a friendlier, more accountable, more interesting and more prosperous place. So imagine my agony when one of my underlings came into my office several years ago and said that “Farmville” was the most popular thing on the internet, I almost set fire to the Facebook servers then and there to protect the world from this bastardized website my vision had turned into. I had become J. Robert Oppenheimer, and because you are certainly too stupid to get that reference, he’s that guy that developed the nuclear bomb and was horrified at what he had created after witnessing its effects. Wait, you’re probably still a little lost…A nuclear bomb is a weapon that is filled with a radioactive isotope of plutonium or uranium—you know what? This isn’t worth it. I’ll keep all references from here on out to Pixar characters, the cast of Degrassi, or minor celebrities who have released sex tapes.

You will never get a dislike button. Never. Fuck you.

The code I wrote to make Facebook a culture revolution is is beautiful—it’s a work of art. Tragically, it will never be displayed alongside Monet, Matise, or Da Vinci in a museum, but it has the subtlety, the innovation and the emotion that all great art has. But you took my art and ruined it. Because of your idiocy, my Mona Lisa is now making a duck face with Soco Lime spilled all down the front of her top while her friend in the background is doing bodyshots off a guy wearing TapOut sweatpants.

I single-handedly caused the sub-prime mortgage loan crisis of 2008.

Some nerd at Google thought he could squirrel away some of you losers to Google+, the so-called “Facebook Killer,” or as I saw it, a copyright infringement because I registered that title for myself years ago when I knew that it was only a matter of time before I started murdering all of you. But you guys didn’t fall for Google’s promise of better social networking. Hell, if I have to say one nice thing about Facebook users, it’s that you are loyal. Stupidly, stupidly loyal. Google will probably fuck us all over eventually, but I’m fucking you over now! I own all your content! All of it! Read the fine print, assholes! 

Now that I heard myself say it out loud earlier, I think I might actually make a site redesign that causes famine in third world countries. Could be something there.

You want to whine and complain about everything I’ve done? Keep in mind I knew where all of you live, where you work, and have pictures of the time you got totally blitzed at Maggie Jacobs’ housewarming party. Why would you give this information to me? It’s like being pissed at the Greeks and then building the goddamn wooden horse for them to enter your city with. And after that being surprised when you wake up bleeding out from the gash in your carotid artery and your last thought before a miserable death is “Oh my god. Mark Zuckerberg has slit the throat of everyone I’ve ever known.” But if we’re being honest, that’s probably only your second-last-thought, but your final one will invariably be inanely stupid something like “I wonder what happens in the next episode of Pawn Stars?” 

If you want to stand on my shoulders and call yourself tall, then you are an idiot, because that’s not how height works. It’s not cumulative. Morons.

But what will my legacy be? Steve Jobs had an outpouring of emotion when he died. Fuck that. I want to go down like Qaddafi. Put a fucking bullet in my brain if it should ever come to it. I don’t want people crying and shit and calling me “an innovator” and “a genius”, especially people like you. That takes away from my genius. And I don’t want Coldplay within one thousand miles of my memorial. If the president issues a statement when I die, I hope it’s “fuck that asshole”, because even the leader of the free world is unworthy of my prowess. So strap in for Facebook’s next site redesign; it’s gonna be a real doozy. And you didn’t hear it from me, but it might be a good idea to arm yourself in some way: shit’s about to get real.

By Matt Powers